another poetry festival set

so this collection is from a dodge poetry festival i went to when in high school...

"Many of us have have read in truckstops to three people eating pie." -- Naomi Shab Nye

"I wanted to write these tiny bullion cubes of a poem." -- Billy Collins

"If we had a smaller group we could go play bridge, have hot dogs together." -- Billy Collins (to group of 100s)

"Is it easier to write about your family, or someone you love? Freudian slip..." -- Mark Doty

"Has that revolving cake stand always been there? Or did someone install it while we were sitting here not saying anything?" -- Billy Collins

"Poetry is about discovery. Write about what you know, but turn it into what you don't know." -- some poet

i call it meticulous

"How casn you say you don't understand OCD? You're practically at ground zero!"
(to me)

yeah, not as fun as xmas

"I'd never want to be a jew, not eating all day and going over all the shit you did all year and shit."

my hs was 99% white

"There was this new kid in homeroom. He's black and he walks into this all white classroom and the teacher says, 'Hi, I'm Ms. White' (and we all shop at GAP)."

not sure what this refers to, but pretty sure i agree

"Adam and Eve were like a billion years before that, Hon. They made that shit up."

did you find it pleasurable?

"I also wrote a suicide note, but that was for pure literary pleasure."

there must have been some serious damage

"He hit a deer the size of Manhattan! Sorry, that was just the first big thing I could think of."

and it would be just like David to keep it perfectly still

"It would be just like Picasso to purposely wiggle his camera around while talking a picture."

I like bannana chips, so I'm thinking...

Me: Is there such thing as grape chips?
Mom: What about raisins?

i want one

"Kindergartners are flying around like their carpet swatches are flying saucers."

valuable lessons learned by cutting out paper plates

"I went into the bathroom and there was this kid in there cutting out a paper plate. He says, 'Oh, I was supposed to do this last night.'"

same thing always happens to be with cadbury eggs

"Oh shit! I swallowed it before I got to the honey part!"

yeah

"I don't know about you, but I don't think there's anything more obnoxious than a gnat."

i find this hyper-funny

"I'm hyper-early."

OMG guys, it's raining!!!

"People love to act to severe weather like no one else knows."

just in case

"If I die, I want to be buried in New Orleans."

angst

HS Student 1: I don't want to be here.
HS Student 2: That's my life.

no rain & black as shit

Dad: It stopped raining here -- blue sky.
Me: Dad, it's night. It's black out.
Dad: What was I supposed to say? "Hey, it cleared up here -- black as shit." The moon's out, though.

this doesn't make all kinds of sense

"She wasn't arguing about scruples. That doesn't make all kinds of sense."

(I have no idea what this is in reference to, or why I still think it's funny.)

everything looks so fuzzy

"These are my glasses. Unfortunately, I put them in my pocket with an Emory board."

on reading

Person who is okay: Nothing happened.
Person who is much cooler: What do you mean? Everything happened!

-- on Catcher in the Rye (or another classic novel?)

yeah, me too

"I was really pissed off when I grew up."

this is a funny thingy

"What the hell is that? We're supposed to have instant recall? There are so many nouns in this universe -- call it a 'thingy'!"

too insightful for you to actually be stupid

"Maybe I don't have ADD. Maybe I'm just stupid."

While cleaning my room, I found a whole other collection of quotes from high school! I will put them up one by one, and hope I haven't done so already!

Various Comments on Poetry

"Some of you are students, and if you're English majors you're majoring in death -- but the form's giving you pleasure."

"Someone is committing an act of literature in my face!"

"Poets are people who can't say one thing at a time."

"I don't read poetry because I'm interested in the poet, I read it because I'm interested in myself."

"Poetry is an interruption of silence and prose is a continuation of noise."

"Poetry accounts for silence."

"The ties between poetry and misery are well-established but certainly they're sometimes interrupted by brief period of contentment."

Stuff heard at The Dodge Poetry Festival, probably mainly Billy Collins.

"What you respond to in any work of art is the artist's struggle against his or her limitations."

-- Man Without a Country

The internet is for agoraphobes

"Electronic communities build nothing. You wind up with nothing. We are dancing animals. How beautiful it is to get up and go out and do something."

-- Man Without a Country

Well, this is good news

"The truth is, we know so little about life, we don't really know what the good news is and what the bad news is."

-- Man Without a Country

John Updike Quotes

(@ Cornell in 2003)

"I had the illusion that writing was a profession."

"We are the most entertained people on the face of the earth... and here we are, poor writers, with just words."

"Your life is a story you tell yourself."

"You must invent you must exaggerate, you must shape in some way. [....] Feelings have to be authentic because you can't gather them from other people's insides."

Jamaica Kincaid

"Passion for writing is like passion for breathing -- and I suppose I don't breath right either."

"I am not actually intelligent enough to understand what I'm doing. That's not unusual -- no one understands what they're doing -- that's why we have philosophers. And they don't understand what they're doing -- but they understand what we're doing."

"I don't write because I'm not intimidated -- I write because I know I'll never be any good -- so why not?"

"It's false, the happy ending, because we all die anyway and there's nothing happy about that."

(@ Cornell in 2003)

Bill Nye Quotes

So, I just found this great store of quotes from Cornell when I went to hear people speak, and since they are all part of the same lecture, I thought I'd put them in little bundles here.

"I have worked with a guy who can't tell jokes. It's a scary thing."

"If you're like me -- and I know I am."

"The protagonist of tonight's adventure: Galileo."

(pointing to the galaxy) "Everyone you ever met. Right there."

"Everyday 100,000 rocks fall from the sky -- and I know what you're thinking: why dont' they do something about that?"

[Some rocks fall in Antartica] "and I guess diligent people go out and find them."

"And guys, I know disco is coming back, and I just want you to really think about that. I lived through it -- it sucked."

"If you believe in sun dials, you don't use clocks."

"I'm employing the double negative for comedic effect..."

Actually, yes, I did.

(just found this one, can't remember if I've already posted it)

Girl: There are tarantulas in Hawaii?
Guy: Yeah, didn't you ever see that episode of the Brady Bunch where they go to Hawaii?

Well, then more people should never buy new coats

"You probably don't get sick because of all the dirt on this coat. You've built up immunity."
-- Mom, while looking at my (apparently) dirty coat

Work is Slow

1: You guys, I got an email!
2: From who?
1: From Costco. About gift baskets.

I sure hope this is food.

1 (picking up a small white something from off her desk): What is this? Can I eat it?
2 (looking across from neighboring cubicle): Oh, I think that's from when I was trying to make fangs out of my plastic fork. I think I heard a piece fling onto your desk.

oh, yeah, good point...

1: I don't understand why any Jew would support Obama.
2: Well, they're flaky to begin with.

And you don't have a problem with the current prez?

"If Obama becomes president I swear to god I'm moving to Europe."

McCain Supporter

"I don't believe the polls. I hope people wake up and start voting."

If There's One Thing I've Told Myself

"If there's one thing I've told myself, it's that I would never have a Long Island accent. Even if I had to take speech classes."

Fancy Office

Boss: What's that?
Employee: A picture of the dead bird upstairs.
Boss: Oh, is that still there?

Nice day.

"If you have a gun available, you should shoot yourself if you don't go outside today."

"Happiness is its own reward" - Dove Chocolate

"My problem is, I want to stay awake so I can solve all of life's problems, which doesn't make sense, because then I realize I have no control, which leads me back to why Dove chocolates depress me."

and if you eat dinner, we'll let you eat with a real fork

co-worker who hardly eats: Look! I'm eating pie!
(silence)
co-worker who hardly eats: No one's looking! I'm eating pie!
Co-worker: Congratulations, we'll give you grounds privileges.

The Joy of Office IM

Employee1: ok, now it is as clean as a hooker in vegas
Employee1: (very)
Employee1: state regulated

(concerning his coffee mug)

Classy

Guy: He was such a D-bag!
Girl: Why don't you say "douche"? I love that word! Sometimes, I just say Douche and leave off the bag.

Accommodation!

*Soft drink is spilled.*

Me: Oh no! My pants!
Driver/Boss: Your pants are inconsequential! What about my seat?
Me: What do you mean my pants are inconsequential? My mother cut and sewed these special to accommodate my ass!

one down, eight to go

"Ohh, ohh, did I get it? Definitely wounded! Where's the body?!"
-- Employee, killing flies

Words of Encouragement

"Keep up the good work with your blog Muffins and Name Tags or whatever the hell it is."
-- said to me, about my blog Stickers and Donuts

That "assemble my bed" part sounds fun.

"I just want to go home, assemble my bed, lay on my bed, eat my peanut M&Ms and fall asleep."

Maybe Next Year

A: That would be a great costume, a tricotillamaniac.
B: What would that consist of?
A: I don't know, cutting off random parts of your hair. Or, you could get a wig with velcro and pull some of your hair off at each house.

I really need to go to an arcade.

Guy at Work: I'm so stressed out. I need to go to the arcade after work or something.
Girl at Work: Going to the arcade relieves stress?
Guy at Work: Yeah, doesn't everyone do that?
Girl at Work: Yeah, when you're in, like, tenth grade. When you're in your twenties, you go to a bar.
Guy at Work: Let's never speak of this again.

Yummy! Sharpies!

A (reading Sharpie label): Not for letter writing or cloth. Nontoxic.
B: If this is nontoxic, then I can put it on my tongue.

So Philosophical.

Employee: Really?
Boss: Yes.
Employee: Are you positive?
Boss: I'm only positive that I'm alive right now.

Then maybe I should take down these skull backgrounds.

Hard Worker: I thought you were going to put up those Helvetica [desktop] backgrounds?
Much Harder Worker: I was, but it just screams, "Work is not my number one priority," and I didn't want to sit with that.

I'm mourning.

Employee A: We should build a shrine to [name of previous employee].
Employee B: That might be a little unhealthy.

thanks

Me176: it makes me suspicious when guys are looking at me
Me176: bcs it makes me think i'm perhaps actually just a spectacle
Me: i might just dress like someone who would be easy
fRIenD23: but you dress with a lot more skill than a hoooker

well, where do you store things?

Me176: when i packed from ithaca to NJ
Me176: i had to stuff indicidual pieces of clothing in cervices
GuyFriend1: wait.... cervices?
GuyFriend1: I don't think I want to know....
Me176: of boxes & things!
Me176: in the car
GuyFriend1: http://www.merriam-webster.com/cgi-bin/dictionary?book=Dictionary&va=cervix
Guy Friend1: or am I missing some other definition of cervix?
Me176: you really grab onto those typos don't you

Ohhh, that's what they're for!

Employee: That "M" is capitalized in the middle of a sentence.
Other Employee: Oh, it was sort of the start of a new thought.
Employee: That's what a period is for.

repeat

(after singing part of Cheer Up Charlie from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory)
"I used to sing that song everyday in high school during lunch. I literally had it stuck in my head for three years."

I didn't know they had names

"McDonald's is my least favorite color combination. And Christmas. And Bumblebee."

I'd rather read The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost

Girl Employee: I like this Andy Warhol plate.
Boy Employee: That is so trite. I would rather have a huge Starry Night poster on my wall than a single piece of Andy Warhol merchandise.

Yeah, me too, actually

"I think this is the day where I wish a natural disaster would prevent me from going to work."

I can't believe it's 10:00.

Employee 1: I can't believe tomorrow is already Thursday.
Employee 2: I can't believe I'm already in my twenties.

5 second rule?

Employee 1: I dropped your mechanical pencil on the floor in the bathroom so I just left it there.
Employee 2: Left it there?
Employee 1: There's probably pee on the floor.
Employee 2: I need to get it.
Employee 1: I would just leave it be. There are probably germs on the floor that will eat it up.

good idea

Friend: this an intended money-maker blog?

Another: well, perhaps in the future

Friend: if you want to make money on the internet, just film people having sex

PC?

Friend1: My mom used to say, "There are people starving in China" when I didn't want anymore food. I have a friend from China and I asked her what they said there. Apparently it's, "There are people starving in Africa." I wonder what they say in Africa.
Friend2: They probably say, "There are people starving right here. I'M starving! Eat up!"

National Poetry Month

Me: You have to read one more poem.
1: Okay.
Me: I'd better pick a good one, this may be the last poem you ever read.
1: No, I'll probably be forced to read another poem against my will in the future.

Its' cool.

"I've broken up with people over their continuous misplacement of apostrophes."

History Lesson

Roommate 1: No, that happened before Genghis Khan.
Roommate 2: Okay, so Genghis Khan is just a twinkle in someone's eye.

Geographically Inclined 6 Year Old

Little Girl: My mouth is as dry as it would be in Texas.
Busy/Annoyed Mom: How do you know what your mouth would feel like in Texas? You've never been to Texas.
Little Girl: Well I've been to Mexico and El Salvador and it's just the same as Texas.
-- overheard this one in Ikea

Not if it's made up.

1: Within 50 years of creating Gutenberg press, there were over 6 million books.
2: Really?
1: Yes. And with in 5 days of the internet being created, there were over 6 million web-pages.
2: Really?
1: No, I just made that second part up. But it would be a cool statistic, wouldn't it?

Exactly.

1: Oh, what would this world be without widgets*!?
2: I don't know, 1994?

*For all you PC people, widgets are just a little piece of mac coolness.

Yes, isn't it fun?

Mom: You know, I'm going to just start the movie myself.
Me: Why Mom? We're hanging out.
Mom: Oh, so this is what hanging out is.

yeah

"I really have serious reservations about my brain."

Obviously.

"One time, this guy came right up to me when I was walking down the street and snorted in my face. He was homeless, obviously."

Well, no, but...

(just found this one in a journal from college -- don't think (?) I've posted it before)

Me (Maria): It was a Maria day.
Friend: What's a Maria day?
Me: You know, things that would happen to me happen to me.
Friend: So, let me see, someone questioned your course selection and whether you had enough courses to graduate. Then someone threatened to take your job away and five minutes later threatened to give you another job, and another work computer on top of it.

good idea

"This headphone stopped working, but I still put it in for symmetry."

Hm, Maybe

"If salt's the new sugar, then caffeine's gotta be the new salt."

Well, if I were mannequin...

"If you were a mannequin, would you wear this polo without an undershirt?"